I actually did some spring cleaning today. I cleaned out my car, which was filled with random reciepts, water bottles, ash, dirt, items that belong to other people, so many things... I was driving like a mobile junk yard, I swear. There was even a bowl that I used one morning for cereal on the way to school when I was in a rush... it's funny though, because my car never really seemed all that messy until I started cleaning it.
I'm doing my laundry too, that I've neglected for about a month. It's nice having so many clothes though that I am able to go for a month and not wear the same thing twice! Haha! I love clothes too much I think...
Also, I'm working on cleaning up my room, but it really isn't all that messy, thank god. I've been getting better at keeping that sort of neat.

I put my two weeks in at Ledo's. I got a job at the Dock, which a seafood restaurant. I really hope I like it there, I should be making better money there too. Ledo's killed me. Michelle killed me (Allie, you know all about the frustration). So, I hope it will be a good change. I go in for I guess... orientation today at 4:30.

I can't believe school is almost over either. I feel like it's just rushing by, and I hardly even notice it. There are only like 3 weeks left... and then I will be done at NOVA and then in like another month, I will be graduating high school. It's so crazy to think back to when I was in elementary school, or middle school even, and think that this time seemed SO far away. I can't believe it. I'm excited, though, but I can't believe it.

I'll be working on a few scholarship essays today, too. So, all in all, today is quite a productive day.

I went to Richmond today to visit VCU. I'll be going there in the fall. And as much as I wish I could go to Florida for school, I have to say that I think I will really like going to school there.
I kind of want to go off to college now, but I know that before I know it, I really will be up and leaving home. I think I just might miss Leesburg a liiiiitttlle bit.
And, I need to enjoy the time I have left with my friends here before everyone goes their separate ways. It will be so sad saying bye to everyone.

I have no idea why I am up so late tonight.
Usually, my routine is.. pretty routine. I come home high as fuck and pass out.
But tonight, I came home high and decided to sit around...
And that's all I did.
I've been sitting around for about 5 hours now, just thinking.

Thinking sometimes is a more strenuous task than running a marathon.

I decided tonight that I'm going to go to VCU for college. I could have chosen Radford, West Virginia, Florida State, or George Mason... but I think this is probably the best choice? I don't know... As much as I'd absolutely love to be back in Florida, I don't think my parents want me down there... tuition is more expsensive... I guess VCU is the more practical choice, if not the ideal choice.

Also, tonight I was reading some of my past journal entries. Reading my old journal entries is like reading an entirely different person's journal. There was an eerie feeling I got while I was reading them because I could remember writing them and what I was writing about, but I feel like those moments didn't really happen... it's hard to explain I guess.

I went and saw Ethan today at school... he was tripping on Hawaiian Baby Rosebud or some shit like that. I forget what it was called.
...About Ethan though... I love him, I really do, but it's not the kind of love I think I'm looking for? Basically I really do care a lot about him, and he is seriously probably my top ranking friend, but that's the thing... he's my friend. And it should be a good thing, shouldn't it? Being best friends with your... significant other. But for me, it's just like, he's my friend... every now and then we might... get intimate, but to be honest I never feel like I am fully enjoying anything... right now, I basically just like hanging out with him, and nothing else. It's like we aren't dating almost, we just hang out. And it's not that I don't like hanging out with him, I do. I have a good time when I hang out with him....
I just needed to get that off my chest because I basically figured out what is not working for me right now...

I just thought...I have never once actually tried to practice my guitar. I pick it up and act like I should magically have all this talent erupting from my fingertips, but I get bored within 5 minutes of hitting sour notes, that I give up. I wish I didn't do that.

It's weird to think that so many people are sleeping while you are still awake. Sometimes, I'll stay up so late that I see people leave for work when I go out to smoke a cigarette before I go to bed. But I haven't been up that late by myself in a long time.
So much goes on when you are sleeping, there's so much to miss.

I really want dread locks.
but i was advised to not get them
oh well.

Soo I need to rant... again...

I've got this friend who can get whatever guy she wants. She's told me a few times that she'd love to hook up with my best friend's brother, who is also my good friend.. well... I really don't want her to. But there is a good chance it will happen.

It's not that I want to cheat on my boyfriend for him either or anything. But I would if I wasn't dating someone... but that's not the point... I wouldn't want to like just have a fling with him because I feel like that would put our whole friendship down the drain. But if he does hook up with my friend I will be crushed. And I'm kind of confused about it... I don't know...

My new favorite past time = Listening to 1940's Radio Shows
Hahaha. I think I'm crazy sometimes because I like such offbeat things.

Im bored at work... but i got a new phone that has awesome internet so i wanted to try it out. :)

People who constantly talk on cell phones kind of bother me.
I'm in that restaurant today and there's this man, he's always here too... just walking around the restaurant talking on his cell phone. And when one conversation is over, he calls someone else... and tells them the same story.

Maybe I'm a bitch. I don't know. But I don't really understand I guess. I find this really annoying.

Is he afraid to not be talking to someone?

I'm developing a new hobby...
Yes, I've been starting to eavesdrop. I have a two hour break in between classes, and I've been coming to the same little restaurant during this break and just watching people, listening to people.

A few tables away, there is a family discussing the "absurdity of the greeting card industry". I like how they think.

There's a guy, a little older than me, a few tables away. He goes to the same school as me, but I've never seen him before. He's studying right now. I wish I could see what subject.

There is a very unpleasant woman causing a scene up at the register now. She's almost yelling and says she doesn't understand what the cashier is saying... most of the employees here speak Spanish. One of the other customers though is translating now. But I don't think there was a need for her to yell about it.

An older man just came in with whom I am assuming is his even older mother. She is dressed like she's going to a 1920's party, wearing pearls, gloves, and one of those hats with the flowers and the lace. They just sat right at the table next to me. The woman is telling the man that her friend is now in the hospital because of low blood pressure or something to do with blood work.

I really like listening and watching people here. I like thinking about how everyone interacts with each other.

People are just so interesting, I can't help it.

So, im at work right now. I havent had a table in about... 4 hours. i guess thats okay though. I get to go home in an hour.

Ive been watching the travel channel all morning and I wish i was lucky enough to score a job with that channel. Id love to get paid to travel the world, all expenses paid, stay in awesome towns. Hell, I wouldnt even care if I got paid. If they just sent me around the world to just experience the world, and no pay check after the shows over, Id do it.

Samantha Brown, you have my dream job.

Happy Valentines Day

My mom saw me crying today. And now she won't leave me alone.

I do not want to talk to her. There's nothing she can do, or anyone can do.

I just needed to cry.

I’m sick of everything. Not just sick. I’m repulsed, disgusted, and I feel left out. I don’t know exactly what I’m left out of, but I feel like everyone around me has these things going for them. They’ve got different goals than I do. My friends and I all talk. We talk about each other. We bicker over the most absurd things. We are sneaky and secretive.
I’ve come to realize that it just isn’t worth it. Acting in a way that is harmful and out of spite is not satisfying to me. I feel betrayed everyday when I find out that I can’t confide in someone to keep one thing to themselves. I’m vulnerable and I’ve got flaws. People who I want to trust abuse their knowledge of how I feel about certain things.
Well I’ve got one thing to say.
I’m telling you personally because I wanted you to know.
If I wanted someone else to know, I would tell them as well.

I feel like I am a very trustworthy person. I hate breaking plans or lying to most people (with the exception of my parents). If someone confides in me, they should know that I am not going to go tell anyone else.

I’ve always been upset with the concept of trust. It frustrates me that people can’t say what they want. It frustrates me that I can’t say what I want to say. Today, I realized that this is the source of some of my deep rooted unhappiness

At school this morning, one of my friends, who we can call Cate, seemed very distant and upset. I thought maybe something had happened with her sister or she was fighting with her parents. I wanted to talk to Cate about it and see what was wrong. However, I decided to just let things be and work themselves out.

I probably should have asked her about it in hindsight.

After school, I went to my friend’s house who we will call Jen. Cate was there too. It never bothered me that they hung out without me. I’m glad that I have friends who all get along. However, today it bothered me. I felt a hostility as soon as I walked in the door.

Cate and Jen were smoking weed, laughing, talking, saying inside jokes. I didn’t think anything was wrong at first. I went out with Jen to have a cigarette.
Jen asked me if Cate was mad at me. I was kind of taken off guard at this notion. I didn’t think I had done anything to make her upset. But I knew if I did, it was probably something minute in proportion and really didn’t affect anyone’s life. People just like to cause drama.

The more the night went on, it became clear to me that Cate was upset with me. I still don’t know what I did. But what I do know, is that it’s not worth it to fight with friends. It’s pointless. If I said something to Cate, I’m sorry. But I feel like friends should be able to say what they want around each other without worrying about some kind of unnecessary conflict coming afterwards.

Later on, Jen and I had another cigarette and Jen told me that she was upset with me as well. I was quite frankly in shock. I was thinking, what the fuck did I do to these girls to have them being all catty? Apparently, Jen was upset that I caught her accusing me and her boyfriend to have some kind of thing behind her back. And even though she really did accuse me of doing this, I still get shit for it? To be quite honest, I could never ever take her boyfriend from her, and I wouldn’t want to. But she accused me of that, and I caught her on it. So why was this my problem? Why was I getting yelled at for? Oh, because I didn’t tell her that I caught her.

And then she goes on to say that she tells me everything from when I do something that bothers her of if she hates what I’m wearing that day.
But this is a straight up lie.
People talk. And Jen, people repeat what you say too.
I’ve heard things you don’t think I know you’ve said.
But don’t worry. I’m really not that angry.

Tonight, I realize that everyone likes to create a conflict, because what’s life without a little spice? No one can just sit down, relax, enjoy company, chill, be themselves.

I’m tired of not being myself. I thought I could be myself around certain people. But now I realize that the only time I’m myself is when I am alone.

Alone. In seclusion. Left to think of this nonsense.

Humanity in general always has to have a conflict. Wars, arrests, a fucked up economy, genocide, anything and everything is a conflict. We are all struggling to survive.

And for what?

I don’t know why I am here, but I want to enjoy my life. I want to live and see the world and feel things.
I don’t want to be stressed out over stupid incidents, like if I laughed at a joke with someone’s boyfriend without the girlfriend being there, or some stupid shit like that.

I’m accepting that people will always have their paranoia. My friends wonder what their friends are thinking, and I do the same thing. Everyone says they want “no drama” or they just want to get along.

This brings me back to my seeing the couple today in the restaurant. They wanted to live a great lives, and be a part in each others’ lives. They said they didn’t know why it had to be so hard and where they went wrong in the first place.

Then fucking get along. Don’t pick pointless fights. I’m too busy trying to have a good time with you, with anyone.

And as for where we all went wrong? We went wrong when we start to care about being on top, being the best in a fucking social clique. We went wrong when we became materialistic and gossipy.

We all have a little bit of materialism and attraction to conflict. Don’t deny it. Everyone loves a bit of bad news.

But I honestly can’t take it anymore! I wish everyone else would really practice what they preach and cut the bullshit. If people don’t want things to be bad, they don’t have to be.

But sour things happen because people want them to happen.

I’m changing. Right here, right now. I am not going to let things get to me. I am going to turn off that fucking switch in me that cares about what other people think of who I am.
I am going to be myself, I’ll say what I want to say, and I’ll act the way I think everyone should. Period.

And if I can't, I might go crazy.

right now i am sitting in a little restaurant.  at the table next to me is a couple i guess.  i don't mean to be eavesdropping but, apparently, they were maybe once married or in a serious relationship.  they have a kid together, but the lady's now husband does not know that the child is this guy's who is sitting in the restaurant.  this guy wants to be a part of his daughter's life, but something happened between the dad and daughter and the daughter does not want to see him.
the lady is crying.
i find it all to be very interesting.
other people all have terrible things going on.

and it's all for nothing.
i want to tell this couple to just get along.  they both want things to work, or so they have said to each other just now. so make them work, right?
if you want something to work, you can do it.

and i'm glad i sat next to these people today.
they have a story of their own.
and i'll learn something from sitting next to them.
i just don't know what yet.

Today was the first day in about 10 months that I have not smoked, drank or done any type of drug.

It's historical.
Yay for sobriety.

wow.
so i haven't updated this in... forever. like a year.
a lotttttt has changed in the past year. and i mean a lot.
maybe i'll start updating again. i'm not sure yet.

Well unfortunately for me, there is no longer a trip to Massachusetts.  My friend's brother got into some trouble... I don't know if he's getting kicked out of college or what.  But anyway, no one is going now.

However, my grandmother is extremely happy and was like oh yay! You can come to the reunion now!
Except, I really have no desire to go at all.

So,  my grandmother made me feel like shit this morning.

I went up to get some breakfast and I noticed this like tin wit ha picture of her family's farm on i and I asked what it was.  She said it was a puzzle that they were going to take to the family reunion, and I asked to open it just because I wanted to see it.  But she flipped out on me and told me no, I couldn't look at the puzzle because I was going to Massachusetts to see a bunch of strangers instead of going to the family reunion and that I should be ashamed of myself.

When I planned on going to Massachusetts, they were all fine with it, they didn't tell me there was a family reunion while I was going to be there.  But now, that I'm leaving in two days, all anyone can do here is bitch at me at how I should want to see my family and blah blah blah and how I should have planned a better time to go.
1. I didn't get to pick the dates of the trip, so I couldn't pick a better time
2. If all the family does is bitch at me about anything and everything, why the hell would I want tot stay up there with all of them?
3. Even if I did go, th entire side of my dad's family sees me as some rebel child who goes against everything their side of the family stands for. (they are cattle farmers and send out packaged meat and I don't eat meat, they are all really really right-winged, and I'm not sure where I stand on the political spectrum.  I've gotten into a discussion or two with my dad's cousin about stuff and of course the entire family will take his side on whatever we're arguing about. Not that I care which side they are on, but later they will just like made a snide remark about what I was talking about earlier)

Anyways.  Andrea's having her little going away party tonight =( I can't believe she's going to college.  Also, tonight is my last night of the summer here... which kind of sucks.  I mean I am excited about going to Massachusetts and all, but I kind of wish I was coming back a little sooner so I could still hang out with everyone and stuff.  I come back two days before school starts. =(

john mayer = insanely sweet guitarist

=D

sooo... yeah.  i've been going to the gym lately.  fun stuff.
today i worked and then walked around the outlets. got a milkshake...
then went to ethan's house.  and stayed there for like... way too long.
but like always.
we ended up at IHOP.
and now i'm here.

i reallly reallly reallly hate my curfew. a lot.  everyone else gets 1 or 12.  but no. i'm stuck with 11.
fajdghdsbdcklafuhetahsfnca

that is all.

John Mayer tomorrow =)

Then I'm going to some thing at Wolf Trap called HippieFest. hahahaha.  Should be fun =)

Tomorrow should be a good day.

Oh yeah.  I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows =)  Hurray.

And I've got the poster I got for free from Borders in my room hanging on my wall too. It's awesome ;)